x

Natalie Imbruglia




Oh look, it’s Beth out of Neighbours.

For some people, soap operas are the monkey on your back. Remember Sid Owen’s music career? Exactly. He’s Ricky Butcher and always ever will be. Where is he now? He’s down The Arches, where he belongs. For Natalie, it’s a different story. This is despite her actually opening (or reopening) Clark’s Village in Street, Somerset, back in the early 90s. Who’d have thought that several of years on she’d be recycling Scandanavian non-hits to universal acclaim (sort of) and out-Morrissetting everyone that dared to listen?

Actually, if you’re an Australian woman you tend to fall on your feet in that respect. Minogue (K), Minogue (D), Valance and, er, Delta Goodrem would probably back this up. Is she even still going? Is Imbruglia still going?! Well, she is here, at least.

Honestly, it’s not Carol Vorderman, whatever you might think.

x

Clint Eastwood




Fear. The ever living fear. I suspect his mum tried to vacate the room as soon as he was born. The type of icy stare that makes Gorgons go home and think about how rubbish they are in the dark. As if at any moment he’s going to come over and just shatter your jaw with a lead pipe for no reason. No wonder he’s won four Oscars. ‘Eastwood’s nominated. Better give it him as I want to make it home tonight with all of my fingers still attached to my hands.’

So because of that, you’d have to say that The Man With No Name is a masterstroke of casting. Even if it is a lie (they had names). In one of them he’s called ‘Blondie’. Seriously. I mean, usually they’re called Gunslinger Joe or Johnny Death Hawk or Jeff ‘Look at me for a second longer and I’ll shred your whole family’ McGhee or something like that. Blondie? WAT?

I probably should mention something about that Gorillaz song but I’m not going to.

x

Julianne Moore




I wish I had ‘The Big Lebowski’ on my CV. Even as just someone working in the background at the bowling alley or something. And ‘Magnolia’, come to think of it. I’d probably be a frog falling from the sky. I don’t think it’s going to happen, what with it not being the late 90s and time being linear and all that. Was it frogs? Or toads? And I do know the difference, before you ask. Frogs hop, toads walk. In your FACE.

So anyway, in amongst all the undoubted goodness (‘Boogie Nights’, ‘The Hours’, bits of ’30 Rock’) there’s ‘Hannibal’, which was never going to be as good as ‘Silence of the Lambs’. Anyone could have told you that. I personally didn’t mind the film but for the bit where Ray Liotta gets his head cut cut off with a scalpel, which WOULDN’T HAPPEN.

If you can, try to avoid anything to do with ‘Game Change’. Julieanne Moore dressed up as Sarah Palin is infinitely more terrifying than Gary Oldman being an indecipherable, psychotic facemelt in a wheelchair. Or the prospect of being eaten to death by a barn full of pigs.

x

Lady Gaga




So what can you say that hasn’t already been said? Why is she so nuts? Is she a bloke? Howcome she’s just morphed into a motorbike? Do you think she’s ever done anything normal like go and buy a newspaper or something?

It may well betray my rock and / or metal slash unlistenable electronic sensibilities, but this is no place for elitism. I think she’s quite good. I’m basing this on the fact that I’ve seen her live and she can sing and play piano very well. You know, the sort of stuff Katy Perry dreams about.

And besides, pop music has its place. I’ve always said that. After you cut through the nonsense of wearing a giant hat in the shape of a toothbrush made out of Scotch eggs.

x

MIla Kunis




SHUT UP, MEG.

I know it’s stating the obvious, but everyone knew Macaulay Culkin was punching above his weight. Even when he was at his peak (about nine years old, tragically), giving wait-did-I-just-step-into-an-alternate-dimension Joe Pesci the runaround or holding his own against the hefty power of John Candy, you’d have put money on him being an ugly bloke eventually. And he didn’t disappoint in that respect. But this is his ex-girlfriend, so he must’ve be doing something right at some point. Kudos. Especially after all the Jackson business.

Apparently, Mila Kunis plays World of Warcraft a lot. That’s pretty mental. I watched my brother play it once and it seemed to have no real directive. It was just spirals of arbitrary light, constantly shooting at the screen. And there were so many navigation panels it looked like a cockpit. So I had to go and have a sit down.

Then I drew this.

x

Jeff Bridges




‘The Big Lebowski’ and ‘Tron’ are the obvious points of reference here. I have vague recollections of watching the latter as a child thinking ‘the future is going to be amazing. I bet the Sony Walkmans will have MASSIVE tapes that go on for ages and have 20 albums on them.’ Or something like that. I think I thought life as it is now would be as slick and futuristic as the square blokes out of the ‘Money For Nothing’ video.

‘Arlington Road’, though. That’s the one. Any film that starts with a bloke wandering down the road with a bleeding child in his arms can’t fail to grab your attention. But Tim Robbins as the bad guy? Andy Dufresne?! Surely not! It doesn’t matter, Joan Cusack more than makes up for it by being his hideously creepy wife. I’d have forgiven him all the terrorism if it weren’t for her. Sorry, that might spoil the film for you a bit. Serves you right for not having already seen it (if you haven’t).

Oh yeah, thanks to Jeff, I’m taking an extended break from beards.

x

Natalie Portman




Not a bad gig, landing Luke Skywalker’s mum when you’re 18. Not only that, but you get to go out with Darth Vader. Kind of. Well, after nearly three films worth of meandering you kind of do. I say that, it’s not even Dave Prowse. Who, lest we forget, is from Bristol. The second most scary bloke in the galaxy and he talks like Stephen Merchant. Fearsome.

Anyway, unlike Hayden Christensen, Portman’s career is littered with decent stuff (mostly ‘cos she’s good and he’s rubbish). ‘Heat’, ‘Mars Attacks!’, ‘Closer’ and suchlike. Mind you, for every ‘V for Vendetta’ there’s an excruciating romantic comedy co-starring Ashton Kutcher. And no, I haven’t seen it. I don’t need to. Nobody does.

I suppose the moral of that particular story is: if you want a new kitchen, you’re going to have to serve up some dross.

Still, at least she looks alright. Right?

x

Rachel Weisz




A lot of people seem to plump for ‘The Mummy’, ‘About a Boy’ or ‘The Constant Gardener’ when hit with that frequently posed question ‘name the thing that most makes you think of Rachel Weisz?’ Not me. Let’s discount the fact that she’s married to James Bond for a second – personally I view that as far too recent a development to be allowed to be taken into consideration.

For me, it’s the bit in ‘My Summer with Des’ when she whispers to Neil Morrissey that Patrik Berger will be the first goalscorer in the 1996 European Championship final. Seriously.

You might think that last paragraph demonstrates just how much higher profile she is nowadays but to me it’s much of a muchness. I personally regard Des Lynam to be the James Bond of sports broadcasting.

41 42 43 44, she is. That’s just insane.

x

Josh Homme




My favourite story is the one (possibly apochryphal) about when Queens of the Stone Age turned up at an airport and they had to empty their jackets before going through customs and officials found a rogue pill in his pocket. Being the complete lunatic that he is, he grabbed it back off the official and stated ‘I’m your worst nightmare, pig’ and then swallowed it. Like I say – probably didn’t happen, but I like to think that there are still people in the world that would be that mental.

What is definitely set in stone is the fact that he’s quoted as saying that ‘Feel Good Hit of the Summer’ neither condones or condemns drug use. Yeah, it’s just a list. Totally impartial. Totally. Just: this is here, make of it what you will. ‘I’m definitely not saying all of this is good’.

Obviously, if he was rubbish, nobody would care about any of this. Turns out he’s brilliant. This is despite him being unable to pronounce his own surname.

x

Angelina Jolie




So you know that recent(ish) trend, whereby people put a general synopsis of what they are at the top of their CV? I bet this one runs thusly: Two giant lips on a stick. You know that Rolling Stones logo thing? That. Rendered flesh. On a stick.

Somewhere along the lines it probably divulges the giant game of real-life ‘Risk’ she’s playing with Madonna. First one to collect a child from each continent wins the game. I think Angelina’s edging it.

With that in mind, how did she manage to adopt in the first place?! Her first husband was a heroin addict called ‘Sick Boy’, her second married her with her blood in a necklace round his neck and the bloke she’s going out with now punches the faces off people in at least two films I can think of.

I mean, I’m no social worker or anything, but I’d be all over that.